RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 19
This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog where we reveal the ongoing campaign of Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its spunky inhabitants—known as Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—to acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.
Today the RS blog is written by Ingeborg Von Root. She has been pondering the publicity strategy of the new Smelt Media Director, Petula Figglesworth.
An Uppity Village
by Ingeborg Von Root
What a coincidence! Yesterday I was thinking, “It would be a good idea to interview Petula Figglesworth and find out how she is settling in to her new position as Smelt Director of News Media and Communications Operations.” And lo and behold!
No sooner thought than there was Petula in front of the Yachats Fire Department with her mother, Bambi Tinkerbell Figglesworth, who was petting and babbling to the two diminutive goats (see Fig. 1*) the fire chief tethers there. Bambi morphed accordingly.
Figure 1. Goatsy-woatsies.
“Now, aren’t you both just the most precious, cuddly-wuddly sweetie pies in the whole wide world. Oooo! Bambi-Wambi just wuvs her widdle sweetums goatsy-woatsies.” One goat was dismayed, the other alarmed.
“Mama, you’re dismaying and alarming the goatsy-woatsies. Come away from there before you get arrested for molesting kids.”
“But they’re so cute! I wuv my teensy-weensy goatums. Oh, yes, I do! You’re both so darling! Would sweetums like a nice big juicy carrot?”
“Ma, you don’t have a carrot! Stop building up false hopes.”
“Puddy-puddy, patty coo, sugarkins.”
I recovered enough to ask, “What did she say?”
“Beats me,” Petula replied. “Let’s try to ignore her.” It can’t be easy having a mother named Bambi.
Ignoring the background coos and glissandos, I launched into my interview of Petula. “Okay. Let’s talk about your new job—it seems you have your work cut out for you, trying to get press coverage for the Smelt.”
But upon hearing that, Bambi’s ears pricked up, which is rare in a woman her age. “It’s absolutely disgraceful the way the newspapers are treating our Smelt,” she huffed. “Just because we’re not as big as some of the other major league cities. Calling us pipsqueaks and runts and uppity! The idea!”
“Oh, Mama, they’re doing no such thing.”
“All that business of ‘you Yachatians should know your place’ and ‘who do you think you are?’”
“Mama, hush now. Go back to entertaining the goatums.”
She did and took her grumbles with her.
“Actually, the media aren’t saying anything about the Smelt, as I’m sure you’ve noticed,” Petula said.
I nodded. “It’s a shame we’re being ignored,” I offered.
“Oh, no, it’s exactly what the Smelt want. You see, we’ve learned a lesson from the Milwaukee Brewers. In 1970 Milwaukee extracted the Seattle Pilots (see Fig. 2**) from Seattle without anyone realizing it was in the works. It happened one day near the end of spring training. The Pilots showed up at the ballpark and found themselves Brewers.”
Figure 2. Seattle Pilots in their home playground, Sicks' Stadium (1969).
“That must have been quite a shock to the city of Seattle,” I suggested.
“It was, but by the time they saw what had happened, there was nothing to be done. So Yachats is much like Milwaukee (except not nearly as cold). We’re being quiet, being careful to keep out of the public eye. Then we’ll choose our team and sneak into Washington, DC, or maybe Chicago, and the next morning the Nationals or the Cubs will be wearing Smelt uniforms.”
This was shaping into an outstanding interview, but Bambi’s voice wasn’t to be ignored. “Oooooo! You like being chuck-chucked under the chin, don’t you, babykins. Cootchie, cootchie…”
One goat, cross-eyed and turning green, tried to hold its hooves over its ears. The other staggered wibbly wobbly and attempted the universal barf gesture, but failed for lack of a forefinger.
And poor widdle Ingeborg got diz-diz and queasikins and fwew up my din-din. Ingeborg was sickie-poo…Pablum brain!
Figure 3. Pablum (NOT the cause of Pablum brain)***.
* From: http://www.garagarri.wordpress.com
** Actually the Yoncalla, OR, town team (1921), from the David S. Eskenazi Collection.
*** From Wikimedia Commons.
Next time: The Smelt go looking to solve their stadium issues and get some convincing advice from a questionable source.
NOTE: We are still looking for famous and competent people to write one or more postings of the RS blog. At first we had in mind Grade A celebrities such as Alan Schwarz or Patrick Rothfuss or Timothy Egan. Now we are willing to let our standards degrade a bit to a B+. Please respond at the bottom of this page.
NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin thank those readers who have commented on the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, giving us excellent ideas for future posts and making us laugh uncontrollably. In a just world you would be making the big bucks writing this thing. Sorry!