RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 47
This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.
Today Brassica Chin interviews several au courant Yachatians regarding the selection of the new Smelt general manager. A general manager to humble all other general managers, as you will see.
Dzunukwa Takes the Reins
by Brassica Chin
After reviewing many resumes and interviewing a superlative aggregation of candidates, the Yachats Smelt have named a general manager at last. She is Dzunukwa*, a well-known doyenne of Yachats society and author of the current best seller Fun with Wrinkles. (See Post #32, “How We Will Spend Our Vacation,” for a photo of Dzunukwa.)
The announcement sent shock waves through the baseball world. In Dzunukwa the Smelt have hired the first Sasquatch witch to lead a major league baseball organization (several have headed major corporations, of course).
A few major league general managers submitted their resignations immediately upon hearing the news. “They don’t pay me enough for me to negotiate with Dzunukwa,” said one executive who asked to be anonymous. “In fact, I wouldn’t do that for all the money in China.”
We have yet to hear from the Baseball Commissioner’s office regarding the rumor that Bud Selig will be stepping down from that position as soon as he can get his desk cleaned out.
To learn more about this enigmatic new Smelt force, I’ve asked two Yachatian old timers, Wumpy Mugwump and Yabby Weezer, to speak with us today.**
Brassica: Gentlemen, you probably know Dzunukwa better than anyone else. Could you tell us a little about her, uh…childhood?
Yabby: Sure, Brassica. Old Dzunukwa is a true Yachatian. Born and raised just east of town in the Siuslaw National Forest. Came from a large family—too many kids to count. All the boys went off to play football at the University of Oregon. The only members of the family I knew besides Dzunukwa were her older sister Dkenesaw and a younger sister Dfanny Mae.
Wumpy: Yeah, Dkenesaw was named after Judge Landis (see Fig. 1) who was Commissioner of Baseball long ago. She was straight-laced and calculated. And Dfanny Mae was just the opposite—a real party Sasquatch. A wild one, let me tell you. But Dzunukwa was different still. Wanted to be a witch from the time she was relatively little. Studied witchology hard.
Figure 1. Kenesaw Mountain “Happy” Landis. On one of his up days.
Yabby: That’s right. The three sisters were as different as night and day and…uh…
Wumpy: But they had one thing in common—they loved to play baseball. All the kids loved baseball. Played in a meadow in the middle of the forest.
Yabby: And they were good, too. Outstanding athletes. Any of the kids could’ve played football for the Oregon Ducks if they wanted, but Dzunukwa and her sisters turned down scholarships so they could stay home and play meadow baseball.
Brassica: So Dzunukwa learned baseball by actually playing it. That must be a rarity for today’s baseball execs.
Wumpy: It probably gives her an advantage. Also, despite all the tales about her being dim-witted, she’s really very sharp and that gives her an advantage, too.
Yabby: Yep, she’s a rarity, all right.
Brassica: Has she moved into her office yet?
Yabby: She sure has. Now understand, buildings find her to be a problem—she’s a challenge for door frames and faucet handles. Therefore, her office is in the wetlands out beyond center field. (See Fig. 2.)
Figure 2. Dzunukwa in her new office suite viewed from center field of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium.
Brassica: I’m sure she must feel at home there. Has she settled in enough to begin making Smelty decisions?
Wumpy: Oh, it took almost no time for her to pick the Smelt field manager. It’ll be Terry Francona, who had so much success bringing championship teams to the Boston Red Sox. See Fig. 3.
Figure 3. Dzunukwa with Terry Francona, soon to be manager of the Smelt.***
Brassica: But the Cleveland Indians just hired him to be their manager!
Yabby: Well, Dzunukwa was very polite about it. She said that if the Indians agree to let Francona manage the Smelt, they wouldn’t have to negotiate with her. The Indians were so happy, they said they would give her Francona and three players to boot. They said they would give her the roof off their stadium if it had one.
Brassica: That’s very nice of them. It’s wonderful to see how well everyone gets along in Baseball. Obviously Dzunukwa encourages cooperation. Has she made any other major decisions?
Wumpy: Yep. She picked her new farm director and assistant farm director (see Fig. 4). Now the Smelt can start building a strong farm system.
Figure 4. Dzunukwa with the new Smelt farm director and her assistant, Hiram.****
Brassica: Wow! Dzunukwa has sure gotten right down to business. It sounds like she has shaken off her earlier reputation.
Wumpy: She has taken steps, no question. For one thing, she’s become more judicious in her use of magic. Also, she no longer coos “Huuu huuuu.” (She used to do that all the time.) And that gunny sack thing’s no longer a problem, I’m sure. For many months now, the Yachats/Waldport area has had no reports of missing children.
* Dzunukwa is pronounced DZOO-noo-kuaw, where “DZ…” starts with the tip of the tongue pressed against the back of the upper incisors.
** I agreed to write this article with the stipulation that I wouldn’t be required to interview Dzunukwa. She scares me.
*** Photo by Keith Allison.
**** “American Gothic” by Grant Wood (1891-1942)
Next Time: Perhaps we’ll take a look at the Smelt’s minor league teams as the new farm director shapes things up.
NOTE: As for Dzunukwa’s sisters, Dkenesaw became the largest fashion designer in the world and lives in a forest near Paris. Dfanny Mae went to Hollywood where she has starred in many Indie films, such as Bigfoot Meets Godzilla and the Bobbsey Twins and Yeti Beach Blanket Party. Last year she was nominated for a Golden Noogie for her performance in Abominable Snowwomen in Love.
NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin will be happy to address any issues regarding the Rubbery Shrubbery blog. They’ll respond to suggestions, requests, and vexations only during their normal business hours, however.