56 – About the Crocogators…

Posted on June 17, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 56

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ve been learning how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today Wumpy Mugwump answers a pertinent question regarding the intersection of the Yachats Wetlands Park and the playing field of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium (see Fig. 1).

About the crocogators…
by Ashwagandha C. “Wumpy” Mugwump

The Rubbery Shrubbery staff has been swamped with questions about the crocogators that allegedly once inhabited the wetlands occupying right and center fields of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium (see Fig. 2). I have been asked to clear up this matter.

Figure 1. Intersection (X) of the Rubbery Shrubbery playing field and the Yachats wetlands.

So, what happened to the crocogators in the Yachats wetlands? There are several hypotheses rampant. One is that, years ago, an unidentified huge corporation released a pack of Genetically Modified Muskrats (GMMs)** in the wetlands to get rid of the rare but pesky crocogators. If so, it seems to have worked, but perhaps with unwanted side effects. No one has seen a bear or cougar in the wetlands for years.

Figure 2. Wetlands in right field of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium.* Notice that no crocogators, bears, or cougars are to be seen.

Another suggestion comes to us from reptilian shrink Dr. Ping Pong Pattiwack who has studied the crocogator brain assiduously. Dr. Pattiwack’s research shows that the crocogator has an enormous ego—perhaps the largest in the animal kingdom (not larger than those in other kingdoms, though, for the dandelion and several species of algae have egos you wouldn’t believe).

The inflated ego of the crocogator has a valuable purpose—it enables the reptile to float like a nonchalant log. But Dr. Pattiwack points out that such egotism results in self-extinctive behavior in any species unfortunate enough to be inflicted. He assures us that reptiles are not immune.

A far less likely explanation for the Yachatian crocogator demise is that its time had come. It was just meant to be.

At any rate, I’m glad I could put your mind at ease should you choose to play right or center field at Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium. (But remember to wear a life jacket.)

* Actually, this is the Everglades. U.S. National Park Service Photo by Rodney Cammauf.
** Genetically Modified Muskrats (GMMs) should not be confused with the popular rock band having the same name.

Thanks again for reading this stuff.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

55 – Now for something completely different

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 55

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ve been learning how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Now for something completely different.

Eric Sallee is busy playing senior baseball these days, and Dave Baldwin is busy contemplating Yachats’s annual Triple Play Baseball Festival. So, it’s time for a blog change.

We won’t forget about the Smelt, of course (no one forgets the Smelt), but we will be bringing you news about Triple Play, mostly. And from time to time, we’ll bring you news about how Eric’s superlative pitching is dominating old-folks baseball leagues in Washington state. And sometimes we will have a guest blogger for your enjoyment, too.

With this new game plan in mind, we start off with a quick description of Triple Play. Yachats held this festival in July 2012 and it was a resounding success. That encouraged Yachatians to do it again in July 2013. The festival consists of three parts—a presentation by an expert speaker about some obscure or unique aspect of baseball, a baseball game (T-ball) for tykes and toddlers, and a baseball game for everyone who wants to play (except for tykes and toddlers).

The slide presentation this July 19th will be given by Debbie Shattuck at 6:30 PM at the main auditorium of the Yachats Commons. Everyone will be welcome (you don’t even need to know what a baseball is). No admission will be charged but donations are accepted to cover costs. Here’s Burgundy Featherkile’s cool poster:

Burgundy Featherkile’s cool poster #1.

Then on July 20th at 1:00 PM on Rubbery Shrubbery Field behind the city’s financial district (bank) we will have the T-ball game and the game for everyone else. Once again, everyone will be welcome and you don’t need to know what a baseball is. Batters keep swinging until they hit the ball in fair territory. Thus far, everyone has managed to hit the ball.

Repeating a crowd favorite at last year’s games, we will have a concession stand set up in the picnic shelter adjacent to the playing field. Hot dogs, peanuts, popcorn, and other baseball fare will be available, as well as Smelt baseball caps and Smelt T-shirts. Here’s Burgundy’s cool poster #2:

Burgundy Featherkile’s cool poster #2.

Center field at Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium. Perfectly safe.

Please note that the swamp does NOT have any crocogators anymore. Here, you can see for yourself.

Thanks for reading this stuff.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | 2 Comments

54 – Baseball Needs Improvement Says Expert

Posted on June 2, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 54

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

If you think baseball is the perfect sport, you’ve got another think coming. But then, we hope you have one anyway. You will learn how the old ball game can be improved by reading the news article below, sent to us by freelance correspondent Satch Wagglesworth from Cannibal Mountain, Oregon.

Baseball Needs Improvement Says Expert
by Satch Wagglesworth

CANNIBAL MOUNTAIN, OREGON — Dzunukwa, General Manager of the Yachats Smelt, has the opportunity to revolutionize the staid old sport of baseball according to Ransom “Curly” Popper, sports engineer and leading expert. A new major league baseball team can enjoy a fresh beginning at rules, customs, traditions—all the stuff currently weighing down the pastime.

“Many changes could help baseball,” opined Curly. “For example, consider the ball. How many other sports feature people kicking or throwing a hard, solid ball at other people? Basketball, football, the other football—they all use hollow balls filled with soft air. There’s no reason baseball can’t do the same. It’s safer and would eliminate all that ridiculous stitching—can you imagine how long it takes for that poor little old lady in Colombia (see Fig. 1) to stitch just one ball? And paid just one centavo per dozen, too.”

Figure 1. The poor little old lady in Colombia.*

When it was pointed out to Curly that no one would want to put that woman out of work, he suggested that she be hired to paint the stitches on the balls and with no pay cut.

Curly continued, “Another problem with baseball is its data. Its numbers are too numerous. It’s well known that most people have an adverse reaction to numbers. People would rather wade through a swamp filled with allidiles or crocogators (see Fig. 2) than balance their checkbook.”

Figure 2. Swamp filled with crocogators.

He has a point there. My own checkbook has been badly tilted and out of kilter for years. But I got a dispensation regarding the wading thing.

Curly continued again, “The number of baseball numbers can be greatly reduced. Down to five, I figure—strikes, balls, outs, innings, and score. The bases can be given names, such as Fred, Jane, and Other. In fact, they should be labeled for those players who can’t remember names.”

No doubt, this simplification will greatly enhance the appeal of baseball to the general public, especially those who were able to get a dispensation. Curly was asked whether he has any suggestions that would have special appeal to Dzunukwa.

“Oh, you bet!” he replied, vigorously. “Ever since the first bearded guy walked out on the diamond, the sport’s supernatural dependencies have been superstition and religion. Mostly superstition (see Fig. 3). But we all know superstition doesn’t work and religion is still a matter for debate.”

Figure 3. Mark Twain explaining superstition.**

You can tell that Curly has done some deep thinking about baseball.

“On the other hand, magic has been banned from baseball all these years. This is bigotry, sure as shootin’. It’s time the magic ban was lifted from the grand old game. How many great witches and warlocks and wizards should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame but were never given a chance? Dzunukwa, being a full-blooded Sasquatch witch, should be strongly motivated to bring an end to this injustice.”

Baseball might be entering a whole new era.

* From the children’s story book, La Pobre Viejecita by Rafael Pombo, illustrated by Lorenzo Jaramillo, 1901.
** From Life magazine, March 22, 1883.

Next time: The Smelt staff is still busy preparing for entry into the big leagues. Therefore, each Monday the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will have brief news reports on the progress of the Smelt organization. Also, we will have a guest blogger from time to time. Thanks for reading this stuff.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

No post this week.

Posted on May 27, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


We won’t be publishing a post this week. The Memorial Day holiday has interfered with our work ethic. We’ll be back next week with a post that will be twice as hilarious as our usual efforts (if that’s possible). Thanks for checking on us. The Rubbery Shrubbery Gang

Squiggles Peru, Yachats Smelt right fielder.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Leave a comment

53 – Anne Uumellmahaye Named New Smelt Chief Chef

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Dave Baldwin

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 53

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Where nature happens every day!”) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

The concession stand cuisine at Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium, home of the Yachats Smelt, will not be the usual junk food served at athletic events. You will learn why in the news article below, sent to us by freelance correspondent Satch Wagglesworth from Cannibal Mountain, Oregon.

Anne Uumellmahaye Named New Smelt Chief Chef
by Satch Wagglesworth

CANNIBAL MOUNTAIN, OREGON — Dzunukwa, General Manager of the Yachats Smelt, has finally ended months of speculation and named Anne Uumellmahaye to be the culinary honcho at Rubbery Shrubbery. In making the announcement, Ms. Dzunukwa stressed the huge responsibility heaped on Ms. Uumellmahaye’s shoulders. “Shouldering a load like that—Wow! I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes,” she said.

Ms. Uumellmahaye’s credentials are impeccable, though, so she appears ready for the task. She grew up here in this thin-aired company town and was destined to be a chef from the get-go, feeding her little brother, Rocky, various flavors of mud soup. She was so talented, Rocky didn’t realize it until he was sixteen, and then they both had a big laugh about it, you bet!

From those early successes, Ms. Uumellmahaye decided soup was her forte, and she designed her education with that in mind. Not surprisingly, she received her B.S. in cosmology from Cannibal State University. Then came graduate studies in stew and snert at Le Cordon Brun. And soon she was recognized as the world’s foremost mulligatawnyer.

She came to work for the Cannibal Soup Company as a gustatory engineer about ten years ago and quickly rose through the ranks to become the big cheese chowder. Ms. Dzunukwa hired her away from a very prestigious job.

With such a background, Ms. Uumellmahaye can be expected to concentrate on soup for Rubbery Shrubbery fare. We spoke to her about that.

Wagglesworth: Obviously, you advocate trickle-down gastronomics. Will we see any non-soups on the ballpark menu? Any traditional ballpark items?

Ms. Uumellmahaye: Sure. We can’t ignore tradition. We’ll tweak it some, though. We’ll have a popcorn pepper pot, a hot dog goulash, and a smelt and Cracker Jacks bouillabaisse. But also we’ll have a delightful roster of innovative items such as our stinging nettle gazpacho (see Fig. 1) and a bladderwort bisque (see Fig. 2).

Figure 1. Stinging nettle.*

Wagglesworth: Have the Smelt (meaning Ms. Dzunukwa) imposed any constraints on your legendary imagination?

Ms. Uumellmahaye: Not at all. I’ve told her we are currently experimenting with an escargot gumbo and a fragrant hogweed borscht, and Ms. Dzunukwa didn’t blink an eye. We’re getting along like a house afire.

Figure 2. Bladderwort.**

Well, there you have it. Ms. Uumellmahaye is brilliantly creative and will alter the baseball experience forever, for sure. We have always honored innovation, but what is the limit to our tolerance for rapid change in vittles?

O brave new galaxies of diatoms and zooplankton whirling in a beetlebaum broth.

* From Flora von Deutschland, Österreich und der Schweiz by Otto Wilhelm Thomé, 1885.
** From Deutschlands Flora in Abbildungen by Johann Georg Sturm, 1796. Painting by Jakob Sturm.
NOTE: Do NOT try any of the dishes mentioned above at home!

Next time: The Smelt staff is still busy preparing for entry into the big leagues. Therefore, each Monday the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will have brief news reports on the progress of the Smelt organization. Also, we will have a guest blogger from time to time. Thanks for reading this stuff.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

52 – Thaw Could Spoil Longyearbyen’s Bid for a Baseball Team

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 52

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Home of the World’s Largest Ocean”) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today we have a brief news item from the city of Longyearbyen (see Fig. 1) on Spitsbergen, an island of the Svalbard archipelago in Norway.

Thaw Could Spoil Longyearbyen’s Bid for a Baseball Team
by Henrik Jansen

LONGYEARBYEN, SVALBARD —The plans of the Yachats Smelt, latest addition to Major League Baseball, to field a farm team here in Earth’s northernmost city, are now imperiled by the massive climate change currently happening throughout the world (except in Oklahoma).

Longyearbyen Houses

Figure 1. Longyearbyen’s colorful houses before they started sinking into the muck.*

This brave town has been suffering an unprecedented intense thawing because of the heat escalation in the Arctic region. Permafrost beneath Longyearbyen has turned to slush. This frozen layer is up to forty meters thick, so when it melts the town is afloat on a sea of…stuff. Finding a solid field for baseball is unlikely without venturing outside town limits into the wilds where there are plenty of reindeer (see Fig. 2) and lots of polar bears (see Fig. 3). Lots and lots of polar bears. Lots more than you can imagine.

Figure 2. Svalbard reindeer. They go behind mountains, out of sight of humans, to practice flying.**

Anyone going out into polar bear country is required to carry a rifle or bazooka (these can be rented in town). Note, however, that polar bears are legally protected, humans not so much. Rather than shoot a bear, it is suggested the human attempt to come to a verbal understanding.

Figure 3. Polar bear, having gotten up on the wrong side of the berg this morning.***

But if no understanding can be reached with the bear, the human is still somewhat protected by law, kind of—it’s illegal for humans to die in Svalbard (and by extension, it’s illegal for a bear to kill a human). The problem is that corpses buried in the permafrost don’t decompose, an embarrassing situation remedied by requiring anyone considering dying to do it someplace else. With the new balmy climate, though, Longyearbyen might strike this law from the books and let people die wherever they want, thus rendering a clear conscience to the bears.

Although Longyearbyenites don’t understand baseball, they were looking forward to having a team and are extremely disappointed about the turn of events. Community leader Knut Harr expressed it best, “We wanted a new sport—any new sport. We’re getting sick and tired of having nothing but reindeer games.”

Figure 4. Downtown Longyearbyen. The North Pole is on the other side of that mountain. About 600 miles on the other side.****

* Photo copyrighted by Svalbard Global Seed Vault/Peter Vermeij.
** Photo copyrighted by Biopix: A Neumann
*** Photo copyrighted by Jerzy Strzelecki.
**** Photo copyrighted by Jennifer Dombrowski.

Next time: The Smelt staff is too busy preparing for entry into the big leagues and has little time for this blogging nonsense. Therefore, each Monday the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will have brief news reports on the progress of the Smelt organization. Also, we will have a guest blogger from time to time. Thanks for reading this stuff.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

51 – Momentous Press Conference

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 51

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Baseball Capital of the World”) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today we will attend a momentous press conference as you can see by the title of this post. Have a seat and fasten your seatbelts as Harrison Grutch gives you a strict accounting.

Momentous Press Conference
by Harrison Grutch

Waiting for the news announcement this morning, the meeting room was packed with reporters, Smelt boosters, and other likewise Yachatians. All on pins and needles. Tension as thick as the air in downtown Duck Egg.

At last, a tall woman emanating leadership strode to the podium. She featured straight black hair, straight shoulders, purposeful gold eyes, and a nose. “Good morning,” she began. “I’m Honoria Glossop, Smelt General Manager Dzunukwa’s trusted assistant. I’ve been asked to make a couple of announcements.”

Everyone twitched with anticipation. Wumpy, being Wumpy, leaned back too far in his chair and fell over.

Ms. Glossop continued. “First I have some bad news for you. Seattle has thought of many possible applications for the Safeco Field roof—covering city parks when it rains, covering Pike Place Market when it rains, covering Seattle Center when it rains. All that demand can keep it in continuous usage.”

Everyone squirmed at this revelation. Wumpy, back up in his chair, was drifting off.

Ms. Glossop again. “So, we were informed today that Seattle intends to keep its roof.” She looked appropriately glum, and her audience reflected it right back at her. Wumpy snored.

“But now for the very bad news,” said Ms. G. “Major League Baseball called this morning and told us, ‘There’s no way you guys are going to get a big league team. You’re so tiny, we couldn’t even find you on our map (your dot must be the size of the Higgs particle), and how are we going to make money off you thusly? So, just forget it, okay?’”

Boy, did that put a damper on the get-together. The worst funk I’ve seen since the whale was blown up down the coast in Florence. Dead indigo silence. Stunned to realize all their sweat was down the drain. Their great dream turned inside out.

Until one voice piped up with enthusiasm. “Hey, that’s not the end of the world. We still have the Yachatian World’s Fair. Now we can put all our effort where it should’ve been in the first place.” It was Crazy Bop McSkittle, multi-directional white hair flying, glasses clinging to the cusp of his red nose, and about to spiel about building that dadburn World’s Fair, again.

“If we pull together, show some real teamwork, we can do this. Looky here! I have some photos of great World’s Fairs. This is the Crystal Palace in London in 1851 (see Fig. 1). The British are still talking about it! And here’s a photo of the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair (see Fig. 2). It was the fair that changed the world. And the next snapshot is New York’s 1964 World’s…”

Figure 1. Interior of the Crystal Palace, London, in 1851.

Right here Brassica Chin chimed in, “You know, Crazy Bop has a point. We’ve wanted a Yachats team, but we’ve had one all along. It’s US! So we work together to get a World’s Fair instead of a big league ball team. So what? It’s the working together that matters.”

Figure 2. Exhibition Hall at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair.

And with that, light bulbs went on all over the room. The place was abuzz and abubble. “We can do this!” Annabella Kowalski shouted out. Boswell Carfinch added, “We’ll have the best World’s Fair ever!” And tears streamed down the cheeks of lovely Angelita MacAvity.

Wumpy suggested that Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium could become Rubbery Shrubbery Exposition Center featuring the Rubbery Shrubbery Exhibition Hall built out of LEGO® blocks. “It’ll be magnificent surrounded by millions of Plastiposies®,” said Yabby Weezer. Even now, Bebe Broadbent was planning the new airport on Clarity Mountain.

Thus we learned that we already had what we sought. We wanted team spirit, the camaraderie that makes the soul sing. Whatever our goal, we will always have that.

Suddenly, Dzunukwa appeared with the doorframe. Let me tell you, a ten-foot-tall Sasquatch witch draped in wall and jamb and all hairy and smelly is a terrifying sight. A hundred partial sentences hung in midair. Light bulbs flickered. The crowd froze. A dark scarl stormed Dzunukwa’s linteled brow.

“May I have your attention, please?” she cooed. “We seem to have a bit of a mix-up. My assistant, Honoria Glossop, is an apparition I’ve created to stand in for me at indoor events (I’m hard on buildings, as you can see.) Sometimes she gets a little confused, though. You know how it is with figments.” She glanced daggers at Crazy Bop. “My assistant might have been misled by someone.”

Honoria was standing in a corner still trying to look sympathetic. Dzunukwa waved her enormous hand in the illusion’s direction, mumbled some mumble jumble, and Crazy Bop disappeared.

Dzunukwa continued. “I was hoping she would tell you this—Seattle called this morning and said (I quote), ‘Sure, you can have our roof. We’ve contracted with Exxon to change our climate so it will be much drier and warmer in Seattle. Something like Phoenix, except without the haboobs (see Fig. 3). Therefore, we won’t be needing the roof. Call us when you’re ready to come up and get it, and we’ll help you take it down and pack it up.’ Really nice guys.”

Figure 3. Haboob near Phoenix, Arizona.

Dzunukwa waited patiently for the twittering hubbub to die down. “Then we got a call from Major League Baseball saying they’d heard we will get the Seattle roof. ‘That changes things,’ they said. ‘Changed our minds, for one thing. We’ve decided we can probably squeeze the Smelt and their second-hand roof in somewhere. Probably in the American League.’” Dzunukwa smiled and winked (I think).

Then whooping and hollering rose up from the crowd like I’ve never heard before. Tambourines clinked and beer mugs clanked. Somewhere there must have been fireworks.

“I knew we could do it!” Annabella Kowalski shouted out. Boswell Carfinch added, “Who wants a World’s Fair when they can have a big league baseball team!”

And tears streamed down the cheeks of lovely Angelita MacAvity, again.

Next time: The Smelt staff will now be busy preparing for entry into the big leagues and will have little time for blogging. Each Monday, however, the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will have brief news reports on the progress of the Smelt organization. Also, we will have a guest blogger from time to time. We hope you’ll continue to join us.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

50 – Electrons Amuck!

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 50

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Baseball Capital of the World”) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today’s entry in the RS blog was supposed to be written by Tyler Macaroon, but he is busy right now, taking care of a traffic ticket. In his stead we have our old reliable Wumpy Mugwump who has never gotten a traffic ticket. He will review some of the comments our astute readers have emailed to us.

Electrons Amuck!
by Ashwagandha C. “Wumpy” Mugwump

This is reliable old Wumpy standing in for Tyler who at this moment is serving time for an unspeakable traffic violation. In case you don’t know, the speed limit through downtown Yachats is 25 mph. And there’s a pedestrian crosswalk as well. A word to the wise—those stocks in front of the empty lot where the blacksmith’s shop used to be aren’t there for decoration. Just kidding! If you have a chance, please stop by and say hi to Tyler who’s out there somewhere doing community service.

I was intending to hold a crucial press conference today, and Tyler was supposed to be doing the event’s coverage, but things don’t always work out. We’ll get along without Tyler well enough—that’s not the problem. It’s a darn email message that’s done it…has me so discombobulated I’ll need to postpone the confab with the press until I can think straight again.

The message reads, “Dear Mr. Mugwump, my client is dead sure you’re the daddy of her recently born kid. She wants you to own up to your responsibilities, and I say, Right on! So, how about it? You gonna own up or what? Signed ‘Lawyer Lady’. P.S. Please send photocopy of your driver’s license to verify yourself.”

Well, that was so ridiculous I decided to dignify it with a sharply worded rejoinder, thusly: “Dear Lawyer Lady, I’m dead sure this is a case of your client confusing me with some other paternity guy named Ashwagandha C. Mugwump. This has happened to me before. A number of times, in fact. Please tell your client don’t feel bad. Perfectly understandable mistake. Signed ‘Not the paternity guy of this instance’.”

Then I sent the lawyer lady a photocopy of my driver’s license, and she wrote back and said sorry for the confusion. She said obviously no one would want her kid to be paternaled by that. So the matter is settled, but it shook me up, I can tell you. I’m in no condition to do the press thingy.

So, to fill the resultant dead space, I thought you might like to read some of the more colorful email messages we receive here at the Smelt headquarters. The first one is an example of the kind we receive by the score daily.

Aboo Ben Adam, Lawyer
ONE KNIGHT’S SQUARE,
Nuikandi, EGAD20, Nigeria
Phone: 666-63458873
Good day, Sir or Madam,

This is VERY personal email directed at you and I request it be treated
as such. I am Aboo Ben Adam, law solisiter. I am persanal
attorney/sole executater to the late Mr. Bartholomew, hereinafter referred
to as “my cliennt who worked as rich indpndent oil magnet in my Contry”
and wh o died in car crash with his imediate family on the 4th of
oct,2008. Since my client’s death in OCt, 2008, I write
many letters to Embasy with intent to locate any extended
relations that shall be claimunts/beneficeries of his abandoned persnal
estate and all such efforts have not been availed.

Now I sit on this 4.8 million U.S.D. and I decide to find credible personage and finding you bear similar name, I decide to ask if you’d like to have the money? If yes pleas send me yoursocial security numer, name, and bank information. Plees cklik here to send that to me: THIS IS NO SCAM

Like I
imply, I reqquire only a solem confidentility on all this.

Best regards,
Abboo Ben Adam

Just one example of the torrent of email we’ve received since the world first became aware of Yachats’s quest for a big time sports franchise. The RS blog is one of the most thoroughly read blogs in the world, after all.

Our next email message comes from Toad S. in Tennessee. (At least, we think that’s right. A tobacco stain’s smudging the name. It might say Bartholomew J.) It reads:

Hi there, RS! Listen I’m having a little problem finding me a job and I’m wondering if I can just come on up to Yakats [sic] and play for you guys. I’ve been playing for our town team, the Hog Hollow Grunts (see Fig. 1), and got myself two hits in the last game although that rock in the infield helped a tad on the last one. I got myself several other hits this year so I must be hitting at least .300 (haven’t got the hang of figuring all those complicated stats yet). Anyway, with a little batting practice like you pros get, I’ll bet I could hit maybe .400 or more. I got my own glove and can play any position mostly first base. Just give a holler and I’ll be on your doorstep in a frog’s wink.

Toad S. or Bartholomew J. in Tennessee

Figure 1. Hog Hollow Grunts’ official team photo. Toad or Bartholomew is in the second row.*

And our sympathetic reply:

Dear Toad or Bartholomew,
Why, sure. Come on up to Yakats. We’ll find some place for you in the lineup. There’s always room for rampant enthusiasm. By the way, please bring your own shoes and jock and do you have a uniform? And one last thing, do you expect to be paid?

Wumpy Mugwump and the whole RS staff

Our third message is from Prof. Forp of Yale University (see Fig. 2).

Dear RS,
I am writing in behalf of my son, Knobby, who is in his senior year here at Yale. He has decided he would rather be a baseball player than work for a living. He has never played the game (what with not missing a single class and studying every waking hour nobody has the time to participate in a sport too, unless he is a student at Harvard or one of those places). I doubt if that will be a problem since baseball doesn’t appear to be very hard and Knobby is very keen. Would it be okay if Knobby comes up there and plays for the Smelt? At least, until he gets this ludicrous idea out of his head. We are stinking rich so of course he will pay his own way. Please let me know right away because we have twenty-three firms waiting to hear from him regarding their job offers. Thank you.

Prof. Forp, Chair of Questionable Studies, Yale University

Figure 2. Yale University, 1807. Notice the students in the foreground, attempting to play baseball before it was invented.

Here is our earnest reply:

Dear Professor Forp,
We are absolutely giggly to learn that Knobby wants to be a Smelt and pay his own way. It seems there’s a snag, however. Major League Baseball rules, as we understand them, prohibit Ivy Leaguers, and especially Yalies, from playing major league baseball. If only Knobby were a student at Harvard, we might be able to get a special dispensation. But Yale? No chance. Might we suggest that Knobby send his resume to various teams in the leagues in Japan. They might be more tolerant towards Yale graduates, having had less experience with them. Thank you for your interest in the Smelt.

Wumpy Mugwump, the RS Staff, and just about everyone else in Yachats

And our final message for today is from Waldport, the town just up the road from Yachats.

Dear Smelt,
You cowardly scumbags! We bet you’re too chicken to come up here and play us. You know we’ll kick your butts all the way back to Yachats. Scaredy cats! Scaredy cats!

The Waldport Heathens

And my scathing, non-scaredy cat reply:

Dear Heathens,
Oh, yeah? Says who?

Wumpy Mugwump, etc.

Well, after that unpleasant exchange of outrage, I’m seething to the point I can’t go on. I need a nap.

* Actually, a photo of the Yoncalla, OR, town team, 1921. Courtesy of David S. Eskenazi.

Next time: Wumpy calls a momentous press conference again.

NOTE: Big Forbes Crossbowe wants to remind you that today is National Retiree Day. So is tomorrow and the next day and the day after that and…

If you are a retiree, check at www.gotcha.gov to find out if social security and medicare have been snatched away from you. If so, go look for a job. If not, celebrate by reading a book or spelunking or puttering around your dungeon. But before you plan to do anything, check for your pulse.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are cautiously optimistic the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will live to entertain you another day.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

49 – Here’s Mud in Your Eye!

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 49

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (“Playground of Neurons”) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today Harrison Grutch will continue in his highly educational series of interviews, asking Yachatians how they hope to make a fast buck off the baseball industry. The astonishing entrepreneurial wizard, Elmer Sludgemore, will describe how a simple observation will make him filthy rich.

Here’s Mud in Your Eye!
by Harrison Grutch

This here is Harrison, and I’m standing on the bank of the Yachats River talking to Elmer about his baseball business acumen. (You can get a gander at the mighty Yachats in Fig. 1.) Elmer is one of those entrepreneurs who didn’t amount to a hill of parsnips until he lucked out and had a brilliant idea. I’ll let him tell you about it.

Figure 1. The mighty Yachats River, with rainbow.*

Harrison: Hey, Elmer, I suppose the new Yachats Smelt franchise will open up plenty of opportunities for baseball-related businesses in Yachats.

Elmer: That it will, Harrison. It’s amazing how many ways there are to make money off this game. Whoever invented it should be given a medal. I think we are on the verge of boom times in the land of the Smelt.

Harrison: Well, tell us how you got started.

Elmer: Sure. You see, new baseballs have this shine on them that makes them slick. Add a little sweat on the ball, and you can’t throw the darn thing—it’ll go squirting off, like an oiled eel. So that shine has to be taken off, and in the 1930s, Lena Blackburne, a major league player and manager (see Fig. 2), started rubbing the shine off with a special mud. It’s become a baseball tradition for umpires to rub balls with the Official Lena Blackburne Baseball Rubbing Mud. For years that mud has come from a secret spot on the Delaware River in New Jersey.

Figure 2. Lena Blackburne, sitting between Hall of Famers Eddie Collins (left) and Ty Cobb. Lena is protecting his glove from Cobb who had a shocking number of steals during his career.

Harrison: Urrrk! Gag! New Jersey mud? That’s disgusting!

Elmer: You bet! So I got myself some of that official mud, ran my fingers through it, squished it between my toes, and I’m thinking shoot, we have much better mud than that right here in the Yachats River. Not in the estuary, mind you. That’s too sandy. What we need here is a smooth, creamy sort of mud. And I knew exactly where to look for it.

Harrison: At a place you’re keeping strictly secret, I’ll bet.

Elmer: Oh, I wouldn’t divulge that secret for all the money in the Cayman Islands. I will tell you, however, that there are these mud slides the river otters make on the banks of the Yachats (see Fig. 3)…those little guys come careering down those slicks and shoot out across the river whooping and laughing like there’s no tomorrow. And that mud there is so smooth and creamy you could almost…

Figure 3. North American river otters, having a family squabble.**

Harrison: But, telling us about the slides…doesn’t that give away the secret location?

Elmer: Well, heck. If an otter can find them, how hard can it be?

Harrison: So, Elmer, you’re going to market this mud?

Elmer: Sure. Of course, it has to be scooped up and squished into jars—we’ll have expert scoopers and squishers. Then we’ll ship it to all the ballparks all over the world. Fortunately, the Yachats mud keeps really well, much longer than ordinary mud. And it’s not toxic or flammable, either. The mud in rivers back East can poison you or burst into flame from just a butterfly beating its wings. But not our mud.

Harrison: And what will you call your mud?

Elmer: “True Grit.”

Harrison: You’ll need to work on that, I think. Can I assume this is just the beginning of what will be a booming diversified corporation in Yachats? What do you have planned for future products?

Elmer: Oh, once we are well established in the ball rubbing business, my wife, Wilma, wants to go after the big bucks in the beauty world. Mud facial masks for cleaning the pores, detoxifying the skin, rejuvenation, and that kind of stuff. We’ll call it “My Youthful Radiance and Exuberance” and use the acronym—MYRE.

Harrison: Wow! From baseball to cosmetics! It is a brave new world, isn’t it? Do you suppose you might spin off into services for the mud wrestling industry?

Elmer: Nah, not enough profit potential. But we are going to enter the housing industry, building quality mud huts dirt cheap in those parts of the world where poverty is required.

Harrison: That’s a great idea! The poor have had a rough time lately.

Elmer: And we have another idea, one with a lot of potential, I think. We’ll build golems (with magnificent complexions) and tailor them to suit the purchasers. (See Fig. 4.) The Sasquatch Society of Sorcerers has assured us that, with a few incantations, the instructions can be installed in the golems quite easily. So we’re set to start cranking them out.

Figure 4. Golem, programmed to head a Fortune 500 corporation.***

Harrison: Amazing! They’ll be able to work 24/7 and won’t require breaks or vacations.

Elmer: Yep. And since money won’t mean anything to them, they won’t require payment. We’re thinking that the huge corporations will fall all over themselves to hire golems to be their high level executives. Imagine…a CEO who will work for nothing. A free Board of Directors. Think how much money Exxon or Walmart would save.

Harrison: But will a golem be able to perform a CEO’s job?

Elmer: Sure. No worries, there. A golem can be designed to play excellent golf.

Harrison: Wow! Ideas don’t get any bigger than this, Elmer.

* Photo copyrighted by Elizabeth Gates.
** Photo copyrighted by Dmitry Azovtsev.
*** Reproduction of the Prague Golem.

Next time: Wumpy calls a momentous press conference.

NOTE: In anticipation of the thousands of letters we would receive otherwise, Elmer points out that he won’t be taking mud from the otters’ actual playground, but rather from virtual slides, to some extent, nearby. No recreational facilities will be harmed in this blog. After all, a river otter without a mud slide is like a golem without a to-do list. Like a facial without a face. Like a village without a mud hut.*

* On the other hand, a mud hut without a village is susceptible to the Lion who comes along and huffs and puffs and blows the hut down and eats the entire extended family within (unless they have a ball of yarn handy for him to play with).

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are full of gratitude for the uncountable riches the Rubbery Shrubbery blog has brought them.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook, and “Like” us if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

48 – Ratcheting Up the Hatchery

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Dave Baldwin


RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 48

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

In this post Ingeborg Von Root returns to interview the new Smelt Farm Director, Anna Bandana, regarding her efforts to build a hierarchy of minor league teams to develop future Smelt. (You’ll find a photo of Ms. Bandana in Post #47.)

Ratcheting Up the Hatchery
by Ingeborg Von Root

Upon being named general manager of the Smelt, Dzunukwa quickly chose Anna Bandana as the new farm director. A surprising selection, as everyone in the press corps will agree. Ms. Bandana has little baseball experience and has never been a Sasquatch, yet she has Dzunukwa’s unwavering confidence. So, we decided to interview her.

Von Root: Anna, thanks for talking with us today. All of this must have been unexpected. What were you doing when you got the word?

Bandana: Oh, my goodness! I had no idea! I was at the farm, down in the barn milking the giraffes when Dzunukwa’s phone call came. She says drop everything, she needs me immediately. I says I kinda have my hands full at the moment, and she says never mind that, just get on the first plane here.

Von Root: I couldn’t help noticing you said giraffes.

Bandana: Oh, silly me! I should’ve told you. I live in Botswana in Africa. Milking the giraffes is easy, except for them kicking the bucket over. Rhinos are harder, but if you let ’em know who’s boss right off, they’re docile as cabbages. On the other hand, the elephants…

Von Root: So, Anna, you have quite a task ahead of you—building a farm system from scratch. Where will you begin?

Bandana: Well, we need to find cities that can support minor league baseball. We have two already—both are Oregon towns—Drain (Plungers) and Duck Egg (Toxic Sox). Now we’re searching for a few more. Of course, our first thought was to check out Yachats’s Sister Cities— Longyearbyen, Norway, and Monte Carlo, Monaco.

Von Root: That seems reasonable. I imagine they jumped at the chance to have Smelt farm teams.

Bandana: Longyearbyen (see Fig. 1) was very interested, I think. It’s the world’s northernmost town, on the island of Spitsbergen, well within the Arctic Circle. It has a strong tourism industry, with lots of fascinating wildlife—walruses, reindeer, and polar bears… Gosh, can you imagine trying to milk a…

Figure 1. Longyearbyen about teatime.*

Von Root: Well, it must be a bit chilly for baseball there, being so close to the North Pole.

Bandana: Oh, for a couple of months in the summer it isn’t too bad, and with the Arctic warming up rapidly, Longyearbyen might become the perfect place to be in August. You know, after having nighttime all winter long, they have the midnight sun from April 20th until August 23rd, so they won’t need lights for baseball. Saves on electricity.

Von Root: It sounds like Longyearbyen is a sure bet to be one of the Smelt farm teams. I’m wondering…would you actually try to milk a…

Bandana: Longyearbyen is a strong possibility, but Monte Carlo (see Fig. 2) is a different story. They don’t have any room for a baseball stadium. Hotels and casinos are jam-packed on a dot on the map. Don’t even have room for agriculture. Nothing there to milk.

Figure 2. Monte Carlo, showing how overbuilt it is.**

Von Root: Nothing, except tourists. So, Monte Carlo is out. Who else are you considering?

Bandana: Well, Dubai City (see Fig. 3) has asked for a team. They’ve even offered to build an artificial baseball stadium on an artificial island in an artificial lake. And Rubbery Shrubbery, Inc., put in a bid to landscape the whole thing, including the playing field, in artificial plants.

Figure 3. Dubai, showing how hot it is.***

Von Root: Oh, that sounds wonderful!

Bandana: Yep, if it weren’t so darn hot. Like the sunny side of Mercury. You could fry an egg on the top of your head. And that’s in the winter.

Von Root: Can’t they just put a roof over Dubai for shade? Like the roof Yachats is getting from Seattle?

Bandana: I think Dubaiites would view that as wimpy. We’ve given up on them. And we have an even bigger problem with another city that’s asking for a team—Malé, in the Republic of the Maldives (see Fig. 4). They’ve covered their whole island with buildings. Even a badminton court couldn’t be squeezed in. Also, the island is at sea level. It won’t take much rise in the Indian Ocean to force everyone there to wear hip boots.

Figure 4. Malé, Maldives, showing how damp it is.****

Von Root: Well, no one can be expected to play baseball well in hip boots.

Bandana: Especially without a ballpark. So, we went looking elsewhere and found Majuro (see Fig. 5), the capital of the Republic of the Marshall Islands (RMI), which already has a ballpark. It’s right behind the RMI Capitol Building, across the street from the Majuro Hospital (see Fig. 6). A lot of baseball enthusiasts there, I bet.

Figure 5. Aerial view of Majuro showing baseball field in lower right corner (the dolphin is looking right at it).*****

Von Root: Well, it looks like Longyearbyen and Majuro are the lucky ones that will host Smelt farm teams. Are there any others?

Figure 6. Close-up of the Majuro baseball stadium (bird’s-eye view) right behind the nation’s capitol.

Bandana: Well, there’s always Botswana.

* Photo by Wild Wonders of Europe/Liodden, National Geographic.
** Photo by I, Katonams.
*** Photo by Ranjit Laxman from Cochin, India.
**** Photo by Shahee Ilyas.
***** Artwork by Mari Kawagae.

Next time: Maybe Botswana.

NOTE: Crazy Bop McSkittle is still making a nuisance of himself, picketing Dzunukwa’s offices in the wetlands, writing letters to the editor of the Yachats Gazette, and even making appearances on what he thinks is the Yachats TV station (Yachats doesn’t have a TV station). All this in the pursuit of a World’s Fair for Yachats. He even has a Facebook page dedicated to this senseless endeavor. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous?

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin are feeling increasingly confident that the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will attain results. In fact, they’ve already seen some, probably.

Be sure to check out the “Yachats Smelt” page on Facebook and “Like” us (if you feel so inclined). Thank you.

Posted in Yachats SMELT | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment