42 – Welcome Back, Phyllicida and Wumpy!

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 42

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Isabel Stackhollow joins us again to write about the big welcome home party being thrown at the Ona Restaurant in Yachats. Wumpy and Phyllicida have returned!

Welcome Back, Phyllicida and Wumpy!
by Isabel Stackhollow

Yachatians really know how to throw a party! This bash, at the refined Ona Restaurant and Lounge, celebrated the arrival of Phyllicida Thronk and Wumpy Mugwump from an extended vacation. Extended so much, in fact, that we were beginning to worry they might never return.

You see, by happenstance, Phyllicida and Wumpy took their vacations at the very same resort and soup manufacturing town, Cannibal Mountain. By chance, they both moseyed into Shaggy’s Massage, Libation, and Ballroom Parlor at the same moment. There they decided to take a twirl on the dance floor, little realizing how addictive ballroom dancing can be (see Fig. 1).

Figure 1. Ballroom dance abusers. Note the wild, cattywampus look in their eyes.*

Weeks passed and still they continued dancing, seemingly unable to quit. I asked Wumpy about this unsettling experience. He replied:

It all started innocently enough, just a foxtrot—I think it was “Change Partners” —followed by a nice easy Strauss waltz. Before we knew it, we were hooked. As the weeks quickstepped away we became more and more frantic to escape from the endless string of tangos, polkas, and cha-chas. We knew we had become Lindy Hopheads. The townsfolk in Cannibal Mountain tried to save us, but they were powerless. Finally, in a desperate attempt to help us, Shaggy’s burned itself down.

Phyllicida and I are much better now, but we know we’ll never be completely cured. We must be very careful about music we listen to—Beethoven and Mahler are fine, but we’ll never be able to watch a Fred-and-Ginger movie again. And we don’t dare tap our feet to any kind of rhythm.

Wumpy and Phyllicida hope that at least one good thing might come out of their nightmare. “Perhaps from our experience other people can learn to avoid ballroom dancing,” Phyllicida said. “Don’t take the risk.”

So I join Wumpy and Phyllicida in saying, when it comes to ballroom dancing, please just say no.

After talking with Wumpy and Phyllicida, I looked around the restaurant in search of a good story. Soon I spotted the Dolish twins**—Arthur, with a lean and hungry look, and Debbie, not so much—standing at the punch bowl. The twins (as we call them affectionately) were instrumental in establishing the Yachats Ninja Hall of Fame (see Fig. 2). They’re always good for a story.

Figure 2. The Yachats Ninja Hall of Fame. A popular tourist attraction. Note that Macho Mole, who you might or might not see in this photo, is a ninja.

Stackhollow (with enthusiasm): Hey, you two! What have you been up to?

Debbie (smiling knowingly): I guess you haven’t heard. Art and I have been negotiating with the Baseball Hall of Fame—that is, the one in Cooperstown, New York—to establish a western branch in Yachats. I think we’ve made some progress.

Art (matter-of-factly): Well, it’s pretty obvious that New York is too far to travel for folks west of the Mississippi. Besides, Cooperstown is way off in the sticks. Almost impossible to find it.

Debbie (oozing knowledge): Not only that, but they’ve jammed in as many players and odds and ends as one museum can hold. I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I’d wager the Cooperstown boys will be begging us to take a lot of that stuff off their hands within a year.

Stackhollow (delighted): That would be fitting since Yachats will have a major league team by then. Maybe the Hall of Fame West should be built close to Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium. Then fans could just walk from one to the other.

Art (with enthusiasm): Great idea, Isabel. Just one small step in making Yachats the Baseball Capital of the World.

About that time Debbie noticed Crazy Bop McSkittle headed toward us.

Debbie (whispering): Don’t look now, but Crazy Bop is coming this way. Let’s get out of here.

Isabel (whispering): Is he still going on about how Yachats should start working to get a World’s Fair and forget about the Smelt?

Debbie (whispering): Yes, and he doesn’t talk about anything else. He’s been blathering about it for months.

Art (whispering): A World’s Fair here in Yachats! Can you imagine? It’s preposterous!

* Photo from simply-ballroom.com. Simply Ballroom is a dance studio in Omaha, Nebraska. They do NOT encourage ballroom dance addiction at Simply Ballroom.
** Arthur Dolish and her brother Debbie were victims of a tragic mix-up when they were inadvertently switched as babies in the hospital.

Next time: The construction of Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium has gotten further out of hand. We’ll find out if there’s any hope of bringing the tots (who are building it with LEGO™ blocks) into line.

NOTE: As all of you know, the Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium roof is currently on loan to the Seattle Mariners™. But upon learning that both of their fans are emotionally attached to the roof (an awkward situation), the Mariners became reluctant to give it up. Recently one of the fans has begun to weaken her resolve, though. Learning that Yachats has more rainfall, she now sees that Yachatians need the roof more than Seattleites need it. Bless her heart!

NOTE AGAIN: Dave Baldwin and Eric Sallee still claim that the Rubbery Shrubbery blog is the result of hanging out with the wrong crowd, despite the avalanche of emails declaring pish tosh.