28 – Mermaid Costumes, etc.

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 28

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, which tells how the Oregon village of Yachats (YAH-hots) and its citizens—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns), or Yahotties (yah-HOT-tees)—go about getting a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

For each posting to the RS blog, one or two crackerjack writers are asked to provide a little more of the story about the Yachats Smelt’s venture into big-time baseball. Today Tyler Macaroon continues describing the Yachatian-on-the-street interviews he has been conducting recently.

Mermaid Costumes, etc.
by Tyler Macaroon

To keep you abreast of current Smelt-fan thinking, I approached the long line of job hopefuls waiting at the front door of the Smelt Employment Office. I had spotted my next randomly-selected interviewee there, a remarkable blonde specimen with a mermaid costume slung over her right shoulder. Figure 1 shows a Yachatian mermaid not wearing a costume.

Figure 1. Photo of an actual Yachatian mermaid.*

At first, distracted by a rapacious seagull convinced the toes in her sandals were lunch, she didn’t see me. By the time she realized I was right behind her, I was right behind her.

My quick reflexes from all those weeks of training didn’t fail me. I had a question loaded and fired before she could say Jack Robinson. “The gulls can be a nuisance, can’t they?”** It was the perfect thing to say at the perfect time—she had only gotten to “Ja”. The ice was broken, and we both relaxed. After she kicked the gull over nearby trees, I introduced myself and carried out the rest of my interview without a hitch.

It went like this:

Tyler: This line is nearly endless. With the Smelt hiring so many people, the Yachats economy will get quite a boost.

Mermaid: Nah. They’re only hiring, you know, part-timers, and they don’t, like, pay much. But I mean, it’s better than nothing.

Tyler: I suppose so. I see you’ve been hired as a Smelt mascot. Your costume is covered with sequins. I’ve never seen so many on one mascot.

Mermaid: Yeah, those are supposed to be fish scales. Sequins are always fish scales.

Tyler: I’ll keep that in mind. But since you have your costume already, why are you standing in line?

Mermaid: There aren’t any leg holes in it! Like, how am I going to walk in this thing? Try hopping around, you know, on your tail for a while. They aren’t paying me enough.

Tyler: So you’re going to demand leg holes?

Mermaid: Nah, my legs would be, like, down there where men would ogle them. Disgusting! I’m not going to be some smut puppet! I’m going to demand a smelt head, and I’ll wear a, you know, Smelt baseball cap (see Fig. 2).

Figure 2. Genuine Smelt baseball cap.

Tyler: Well, that would work for your head. What about the rest of you?

Mermaid: I think an elegant black evening gown. Covered with sequins, of course.

Tyler: Hmmm…a classy smelt. A novel combination. Best of luck convincing the Smelt management.

With that, I moved about five people down line to an exuberant young man who was juggling four beanbags and a cheese enchilada.

Tyler: Hi, I’m Tyler. I’m interviewing folks for the Rubbery Shrubbery blog. And your name?

Jar Jar: Umberto Binks. You can call me “Jar Jar.”

Tyler: Well, Jar Jar, you’re a very good juggler. I especially like the way you’ve worked the enchilada into the act.

Jar Jar: Oh, no, the enchilada is my lunch. I just don’t have any place to put it while I work the beanbags.

Tyler: So, you must be hoping the Smelt will hire you as their official juggler?

Jar Jar: Nah. I’m just loosening up to demonstrate my real skill—the peanuts toss.

Tyler: Really?

Jar Jar: Sure. To be a successful grandstand vendor these days, you need to have a gimmick. Mine is tossing bags of roasted peanuts. I’ve been tossing since I was twelve.

Tyler: You must be pretty good by now.

Jar Jar: You bet! I can spin the bags to make them curve around posts, and you should see my knucklebag! Floats and sails and dips…the fans love it when some guy spills his nachos and smashes his forehead on the seat in front of him trying to catch it.

Tyler: That must be quite the crowd pleaser.

Jar Jar: Yeah, and I don’t think anyone can match my 90 mph fastbag—perfect accuracy even at sixty feet. Here, let me show you. Stand over there…back up…farther…farther…there. Now hold out your left hand.

Tyler: Wow! Right to my hand, and you threw it behind your back! Amazing!

Jar Jar: I can throw it under my leg, and I’ve been working on tossing it back over my shoulder without looking.

Tyler: I’d say you’re a shoo-in to get the job.

Jar Jar: Yeah, but it’s not the job I really wanted. Beer is where the big tips are. I practiced tossing cups of beer for three weeks, starting with 16 oz. cups and working up to 32 oz. The trick to keeping it upright as it sails over the heads of fans is to toss it backhand, like a Frisbee. Man, it was hard to get the hang of that.

Tyler: But you succeeded?

Jar Jar: I sure did. I could sail a 32 oz. cup full of lager 60 feet and put it right on target without spilling a drop.

Tyler: But you aren’t going to be a beer vendor?

Jar Jar (suddenly looking glum): No. Just for practice once, I asked my ex-girlfriend to catch one…

Tyler: Your EX-girlfriend?

Jar Jar: Yeah. Who would have thought that beer would be so hard to catch?

Tyler: I guess you never know ‘til you try.

* Photo courtesy of the Drift Inn Café in Yachats. Painting is by Martina Olson of Yachats, Oregon.
** On May 17, 1947 a seagull dropped a smelt on Ellis Kinder who was trying to pitch for the St. Louis Browns against the Boston Red Sox. Since that day, seagulls have been banned from major league baseball stadiums. The smelt was just an innocent onlooker.

Next Time: We’ll plunge into the excitement of getting the Smelt’s stadium up and ready for opening day. And we’ll find out about that roof from Seattle.

NOTE: No animals, vegetables, minerals, or mermaids were harmed in the production of this blog (the gull was merely metaphorical). All weapons used on the RS blog are fakes—the knives and tweezers are made of shaving cream, and all guns have their triggers installed backwards. Also, please note that the RS blog oozes peace and goodwill and does NOT advocate attacking any nations, even the stupid ones.

NOTE AGAIN: Dave Baldwin and Eric Sallee have never been caught with their hands in the RS blog cookie jar despite what all those talk radio hosts are saying.