26 – Yachatian and Yahottie on the Street

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 26

Welcome to the official Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog. It describes the efforts of Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its citizens—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns), or in some cases, Yahotties (yah-HOT-tees)—to acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats (Home of the World’s Largest Ocean), please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Today Harrison Grutch returns to write the post, this time assisted by his good friend Tyler Macaroon. They will describe their attempts to interview ordinary Yachatians regarding how they feel about the new local Major League Baseball team, the Smelt.

Yachatian and Yahottie on the Street
by Harrison Grutch, assisted by Tyler Macaroon

This is Harrison again, back with my sullen assistant Tyler. A couple of days ago (with no help from Tyler) I interviewed randomly chosen citizens to find out how enthusiastic they are about the Smelt. I confess I was nervous—I had never done a man-on-the-street interview before.

On top of that, my assistant was in a snit (Fig. 1). Didn’t like me calling him an assistant. Well, that’s what he is. He’s not my “associate” or my “collaborator.” He doesn’t like it, but he’ll just have to get over it. After all, he eventually got over…that other thing.

Figure 1. A snit. In this case, it belongs to Othello.*

But back to the interviews. Originally I had intended using my tape recorder, but it caught the hissy fit from Tyler, and the two of them sat sulking in my car, so I was left to scribble down each interview as it whizzed by.

Well, never mind that. For my first interview I found two women-on-the-street—the eminent Dr. Carlotta Frankenbloom and her good friend Hazel Snorr. Dr. Frankenbloom is one of the great thinkers of our time and Hazel is just Hazel.

After I sneaked up behind them and tapped them on their corresponding shoulders, here’s how the interview went:

Harrison: Pardon me ladies. I’m writing for the worldwide Rubbery Shrubbery blog, and I’d like…

Carlotta: Harrison, I’m glad you’re here. Tell me, what time do you think it is at the South Pole? With all the time zones converging on it, is it all o’clock or is it nothing o’clock?

Harrison: I..I..don’t know. I hadn’t really thought…

Hazel: Oh, pay no attention to her, Harrison. She’s been driving me crazy with questions—it’s this chronic obsession with time of hers.

Harrison: Well, she is the greatest thinker of our time.

Hazel: You’ve already said that.

Carlotta: Okay, if you can’t answer that one, how about this: is the passage of time real or only an illusion? Or both? And what is the smallest possible unit of time? And how would you explain temporal asymmetry?

Hazel: See there? A while ago she said the second law of thermodynamics is the most fun. Now, what’s up with that? By the way, you could save time with a tape recorder. You don’t write very fast.

Harrison: Yeah, I know, but I just want to get your opinions about the new Yachats Smelt baseball team. Do you each have one?

Hazel: Oh, yes. Mine is that I’d rather have a knitting club. Angelita MacAvity has told me all about her dream…the one where God suggested she forget about baseball, His Druthers are a knitting club. I don’t know anything about baseball, but I do enjoy knitting. I’ve got to go with God on this one.

Harrison: It sounds like you must have a lot of faith in Angelita.

Hazel: Oh, I do. Her dreams have all hit the nail on the head so far.

Harrison: And you, Carlotta? As one of our great thinkers, you must have a well thought out opinion about the Smelt.

Carlotta: No, not really. Tell me, do you think the arrow of time might have one of those little suction cup dealies on its end instead of an arrowhead? (See Figure 2.) And do you buy the claim that “a stitch in time saves nine”? I’d like to see the data from the research on that one.

Figure 2. Hypothetical arrows of time with hypothetical critter.

Harrison: But don’t you have anything to say about the Smelt?

Carlotta: Oh, well, I guess I’ll just second what Hazel said.

Harrison: So there you have it. Two votes for knitting, zero for baseball. Thank you for your time, ladies.

Leaving my worthless assistant behind, I walked down the street and found Cadence Waxpepper, my next door neighbor, just coming out of the library with her arms laden with books. Cadence, to her credit, is a well-scrubbed redhead with extravagant eyes and enviable teeth.

After the usual salutations we got down to the nitty gritty.

Harrison (very businesslike): Cadence, what do you think about all this baseball hurly-burly? You know…getting a team in Yachats and so forth.

Cadence (thoughtfully): I think it’s fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with my TV programs. And I wouldn’t want any foul balls coming through my kitchen window, either.

Harrison (authoritatively): Of course, no one can be sure how this will affect your TV, or garbage pick up, for that matter, but I’ve heard a lot of talk about banning foul balls. Too many people could get hurt. So how do you feel about the team’s nickname, the Smelt?

Cadence (confidentially): Well, frankly I’m a little disappointed. I was hoping we would buy the Anaheim Los Angeles Fullerton California Angels. They seem like a nice team and they have a wonderful nickname. Then we could be the Yachats Angels. Doesn’t that sound…almost sacred? And the ballpark is in the theological district of Yachats.

Harrison (circumspectly): Hmmm! We might not be able to buy the California Santa Ana Los Angeles Anaheim team.

Cadence (persistently): Well, if not, could we be called the Angels anyway? Why can’t two teams have the same nickname if it’s a really good one—nice, clean, and respectable?

Harrison (flummoxed): Errr, maybe. Now my last question is, do you have any suggestions for a team logo?

Cadence (brightly): Why, I certainly do! I think it would be classy to have a big golden Y, for “Yachats,” of course, except we make the Y look like an angel. Look, I’ll draw it on your notepad—we have a Y like this…and then we extend the arms into wings…like so. See? Two golden wingy dingies and we have an angel.

Harrison (taken aback): That would form two golden arches.

Cadence (still brightly): Yes, I guess you could look at it that way. Well, what do you think?

Harrison: I think we’ll need a good lawyer.

* “A Poisonous Mineral [Othello]” by David G. Baldwin (1993) 48″ x 30″ Alkyd, oil, acrylic, and sand on polyester canvas glued on Gatorfoam® panel

Next time: We’ll continue with our interviews. It’ll be Boswell Carfinch on the firing line next time, for sure, and maybe Levity Pribble as well if she isn’t washing her hair.

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NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin, while once again denying any involvement with this blog, are still hoping for celebrity volunteers to contribute even a few posts.