24 – The Uniforms & Stuff Committee Do Their Think

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 24

Welcome to the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, which describes the efforts of Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, and its inhabitants—known as Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)—to acquire a Major League Baseball franchise. Each episode relates a bit more of this story. To learn about the village of Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

In this posting Dr. Isaac Squibley tells how the Yachats Smelt Uniforms & Stuff Committee (U&SC) tries to provide the Smelt with the very best in baseball costumery.

The Uniforms & Stuff Committee Do Their Think
by Dr. Isaac Squibley

With her unusually large cat asleep at her feet, Betsy Rossini sat motionless in the dim light of her office behind a curtain at the rear of her tailor shop. Through a peep-slit, she glared at the two men who had just entered the front door. She knew Rubik “The Cube” Vladivostok and Percival “Pinky” Fink-Nottle, and she knew why they were there.

The whole Smelt Uniforms & Stuff Committee had made a nuisance of itself ever since the day the seamstress had agreed to design the Smelt uniforms. Each morning, committee members came to snoop and pry. And they always made a mess. Betsy was sick of it.

Rubik and Percy strolled through the shop, casually fingering fabrics and commenting on patterns scattered on the tables. In sidestepping a ribbon display, Rubik upset an antique embroidery machine. He picked it up and dropped it. Twice. On his foot.

Percy then crashed into a cutting table, knocking it over against a domino array of racks and bins, which clattered sequentially to the floor.

Which caused Betsy to shift her attention to the Glock 19 lying on her desk. Skippy, as she calls it, always brings out her full maternal instincts. She picked it up and cradled it. It was warm and friendly. The trigger tantalized her—“Squeeze me! Squeeze me!”

Betsy peeked out at her shop again. Percy was still busy. In trying to pick up buttons and bangles he had spilled, he backed into a dressmaker’s mannequin, which startled him, causing him to ram his forehead into an ironing board.

Woozy but struggling up from the floor, Percy fell in with the hobbling Rubik, and they wobbled toward the back of the shop.

As Percy and Rubik staggered nearer, Betsy could see the dazed look in their eyes. She felt a pinch of compassion, took a deep breath, and reconsidered Skippy. Perhaps she could handle the problem with verbal abuse instead of fire power, but she slid Skippy into her garter just in case. With a sigh, she stepped out from behind the curtain.

“Hey! Don’t be handling the fabrics with those dirty hands, bozos. And don’t be pawing through the patterns.” She threw in a discreet growl at the end for good measure.

“Oh, Hi there! We, uh, just stopped by to…Boy! That sure is an unusually large cat you got there, Betsy.” Rubik was obviously nonplussed.

Percy was more so. “Yeah, and I’ve never seen one do that before. Does your cat bite?”

“Listen, I know why you ‘just stopped by.’ You and your Uniforms gang just want to butt into my business. Well, you asked me to design the Smelt uniforms, and dagnabbit, I’m going to do it without your dadburn interference. So you can just find your way out, and do it without breaking anything.”

“Aw, c’mon Betsy,” Rubik whined. “We just want a little peek at the uniform. We won’t say anything or get in the way or anything.”

Betsy thought about this against her better judgment. “Oh, well. I guess it can’t hurt to let you see what I’ve done. But no comments, you understand. I don’t want to hear one word about what you like or don’t like.”

Betsy stepped back to a rack in the work-in-progress nook and brought out a mockup of the new Smelt uniform. Everything was there, although the trim and lettering were only pinned into place. She held it up. “Well, you’re looking at it.”

Percy stared at the prototype a moment. Then mindful of his manners and Betsy’s reputation, sputtered, “Very interesting.”

But Rubik was choking and sweating from the effort of constraining himself. Finally he couldn’t stand it any longer. “Of course, the real uniforms will be more colorful than white…” He saw the flames rising in Betsy’s eyes. “I mean, it’s a very nice white, don’t get me wrong.”

Betsy didn’t get him wrong. “Have you ever seen a real baseball uniform? I’ve collected dozens of photos out of Baseball Sartorial Review. All of the uniforms worn by the home team are white, you moron!”

Rubik tripled his sweat output. “Well, like I said, that is an exceptional white you have there.”

Betsy snarled.

Percy fidgeted with an unspoken comment for a moment, but then decided to risk it. “Interesting color combination you’ve chosen for the trim and socks. What would you call those colors?”

“Magenta and turquoise.” She waited for them to take the bait.

Rubik nodded but took a couple of shuffling steps backward. “We were thinking perhaps smelt colors might be good. Maybe gray and beige. Maybe silvery gray and silvery beige.”

Percy in his misplaced enthusiasm forgot himself. “It would be great if the uniform could have large scales…you know, like a smelt.”

Rubik added, “And maybe the cap could be shaped like a smelt head.”

Suddenly windows rattled, verbs flashed, and the unusually large cat and terror huddled together under a pile of remnants. And neither Rubik nor Percy was ever seen again in the shop of the little seamstress.

Epilogue: The unusually large cat sat staring at Betsy. “I know. I know. You’re wondering, why blanks,” Betsy said. The cat mewed and Betsy smiled. “Well, it’s because fear is contagious, sweetie.”

Next time: Ever wonder where the new Smelt will come from? From scouts scouring the countryside with a fine-tooth comb, that’s where. Next time we will meet Otis O’Toole, the legendary baseball scout soon to become head of the Smelt scouting department. Otis will share some of his legendary experiences.

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