18 – A Few Practical Issues with the Roof

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 18

This is the Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog, relating the quest of the Oregon village of Yachats (YAH-hots) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns) or Yahotties (yah-HOT-tees)—to obtain a Major League Baseball team (pre-named the Yachats Smelt). To learn about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Ms. Isabel Stackhollow will be writing this post, pinch-hitting for Wumpy Mugwump. Wumpy, who heads the Roof Committee of the Smelt, doesn’t have time to write this because getting a roof for the Smelt’s stadium has turned out to be more complicated than anyone would have guessed. Wumpy’s up to his eyeballs trying to pull the project together. We’re sure Isabel will do an adequate job until Wumpy’s no longer up to his eyeballs.

A Few Practical Issues with the Roof
by Isabel Stackhollow

Sometimes our most cherished assumptions are flat-out wrong. For example, after years of feeling secure, many adults discover there really is a monster under their bed. When was the last time you checked?

The monster under the Smelt bed is a very sweet elderly lady living in Seattle. Wumpy Mugwump discovered this gentle adversary when he went to that city to ask Mr. and Mrs. Safeco if the Smelt could please have the roof from Safeco Field (home of the Seattle Mariners, a baseball team). Mr. Safeco said, “Sure, why not? Hardly anybody comes to the Mariners’ games these days, and I’m sure the players won’t miss it.”

But then he glanced at Louise Safeco, his hard-bitten yet tender wife, and he backpedaled. Mrs. Safeco didn’t utter a word, but offered a hangdog look that expressed, “I’ve become attached to that roof, Harvey. It reminds me of my childhood, when I was happy and pushed a cute little doll carriage (see Fig. 1) that had a retractable top much like that roof.” And she let all her facial muscles go spaghetti and sniffled thrice. Mr. Safeco just melted right there, the wimp!

Figure 1. Cute little doll carriage like Louise Safeco used to push.

Thus, Wumpy was flummoxed. How could he convince Louise Safeco to give up her cherished memories? By finding a doll carriage like the one she had trundled all those years ago? Perhaps.

But before Wumpy could leaf through his Sears & Roebuck catalog he received a call from the Smelt’s deceptively lackadaisical lawyer, Snapper Roadsquill.

[At this point I’ll digress to explain that recently the Smelt decided they need a cunning law firm to handle legal stuff. Therefore, they went to Duck Egg, a town southeast of Yachats, where most Oregonians go to find legal counsel. There they hired the firm of Underrock, Slant, and Roadsquill, LLP, to represent them.]

Mr. Roadsquill had startling news for Wumpy. According to public records, the Safecos don’t own Safeco Field after all. Seeking fame, Mr. Safeco had merely put up a few billion dollars to get his name slapped on the stadium. Mr. Roadsquill chuckled, “Not only does Harvey not own the stadium, he doesn’t own the roof, either, so you can relax.”

Part of Wumpy’s brain relaxed, but the rest replied, “Then who does own the roof?”

Snapper turned serious. “Well, it seems the roof has been leased from one Ling Tom-Pimento, an international lessor of hard-to-get items, like art museums and circus elephants.”

Wumpy turned impatient. “Okay, okay, but are we getting the roof?”

Snapper turned nonchalant. “Hey, I called Mr. Tom-Pimento and said, ‘We’d really like to have that roof,’ and he gave a hearty laugh and said, ‘Hey, why not? We’ll make a deal when I get back from Majúro.’ Currently Mr. Tom-Pimento is in the midst of leasing Bhutan (see Fig. 2 *) to the Republic of the Marshall Islands, but as soon as that is completed we’ll negotiate our roof.”

Figure 2. Bhutan.

Wumpy turned relieved. Then he resumed thumbing through the catalog because no one can shrug off facial pasta and sniffles.

* From: http://www.buddhanet.net/bhutan-gallery/pages/Bhutan%2520114.html

Next time: We will meet the new Smelt Director of News Media and Communication Stuff. And her mother.

NOTE: Perhaps we haven’t made it clear!!! We want outstanding celebrities to step up to the plate and contribute thoughtful yet exciting posts to Rubbery Shrubbery. Maybe Tom Robbins or Jerry Seinfeld or Ursula K. Le Guin. If you know any these personages or anyone similar, please don’t hesitate to let us know at the bottom of this page. Or if YOU happen to be a celebrity of your very own, please let us know that, too. We’ll let you pitch in on writing this blog.

NOTE AGAIN: Eric Sallee and Dave Baldwin thank you for your patience. We don’t know how you do it.