10 – Eating Lunch at Heidi’s, Continued

RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 10

This is the critically acclaimed Rubbery Shrubbery (RS) blog. Here you will learn how the Oregon coastal resort of Yachats (YAH-hots) and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns) or Yahotties (yah-HOT-tees)—scheme to get a Major League Baseball team. Each episode tells a little more about this era in the town’s history. To learn about Yachats, please go to this page or go to GoYachats.

Our old standby, Harrison Grutch, is back to write today’s post. This time we continue following the Yachats Smelt baseball team and the comings and goings of the Yachatian trio who are the Founding Father and Mothers of the Smelt (FFMS) – Big Forbes Crossbowe, Bebe Broadbent, and Phyllicida Thronk. You’ll recall they have been joined by Percy Fink-Nottle and Angelita MacAvity as they ate lunch at Heidi’s Café in Yachats.

Eating Lunch at Heidi’s, Continued
by Harrison Grutch

“Oh, darn! On my brand new shirt,” Forbes whined as he began to mop soup dribbled down the front of his royal blue sweatshirt bearing Go Smelt in gold letters. “Does minestrone stain?”

Most of his luncheon companions offered neutral grunts without looking up, but Bebe, who rarely noticed Forbes (much to his dismay), happened to glance at his minestrone accident. Now, as a rule, Bebe ignores any attempts by clothing to communicate with her, but she halted interest in her smelt and mushroom pizza (with anchovies substituted for smelt) as she focused attention on Forbes’ pectoral slogan. “Where’d you get that Go Smelt shirt? We chose that name only a couple of days ago.”

“Oh, you can buy these in almost any store in town. Shipments started coming in this morning.” Forbes decided he had been sufficiently desouped and stopped scrubbing his chest. “All sorts of other items with Smelt slogans, too: coffee cups, bumper stickers, baseball caps, beer mugs…” (Figure 1 shows the Yachats Smelt baseball cap.)

Figure 1. The official Yachats Smelt cap.

“I would say you need a Go Smelt bib,” Phyllicida said with a twinkle in her I.

Forbes ignored Phyllicida and continued recounting the Smelt fever that had swept over Yachats. “There are postcards, screen savers, mouse pads, mousetraps, door mats—just about anything you can imagine wearing the Smelt logo.”

Just then Angelita MacAvity, the moral conscience of the community, shook her head and index finger violently, flinging her golden curls hither and yon. “No, no, this crass commercialism is wrong. It will lead to moral decay. We’ll have avarice and greed running amok!”

Percy Fink-Nottle debated the issue by snorting and rolling his eyes. The others at the table sat in thoughtful silence for a moment. Although “avarice” is an actual word, it doesn’t mean anything. But “greed” is a different matter. That could be difficult.

Fortunately, a ready solution was at hand—denial. As everyone knows, fervent denial is a convenient way to handle remorse, anxiety, tooth decay, and most any other post-modern problem. Forbes resumed listing all the commercial niches to be filled with Smelt.

And it was a long list. These are exciting baseball times for Yachatian businesses. For example, Shirley’s General Store ordered a triple shipment of deluxe smelt whistles (used to lure smelt to shore), an item her establishment has carried for years. It has always been a steady but unspectacular seller—now sales should boom. (Figure 2 depicts Shirley’s deluxe smelt whistle.)

Figure 2. Genuine smelt whistle.

The range of Smelt items is staggering. Soon we will have Smelt baby carriages with smelt-shaped banners streaming from the antennae. From coast to coast Smelt-flavored breath mints and Smelt-themed wallpaper could dominate our culture. Smelt-based reality shows will become the rage, and the Yachats International Film Festival will feature new Smelt family flicks, we’re told—“Silence of the Smelt” and “Blazing Smelt” and “The Smelt, the Bad, and the Ugly” are in the works. Maybe one or two Smelt zombie films. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised to see a rash of Smelt tattoos.

If you want to join in the Smeltmania but live where it is inconvenient for you to get to Shirley’s or to get a Smelt tattoo, please send us your money.

Next time: We will see whether oodles of money can tempt Yachats to sell its beloved team.

NOTE: The editorial board of this blog is hoping against hope (whatever that means) to find really good writers who would like to contribute to this enterprise. If you know Michael Lewis or Erin Morgenstern or Steve Martin, please convince them that writing for the RS blog will greatly enhance their careers.

NOTE AGAIN: Dave Baldwin and Eric Sallee are looking forward to the next episode when we will find out whether Yachats crumbles under the weight of monetary temptation.