RUBBERY SHRUBBERY Post 54
This is the Rubbery Shrubbery blog, where you’ll learn how Yachats (YAH-hots), Oregon, acquires a Major League Baseball franchise. To learn more about Yachats and its inhabitants—called Yachatians (yah-HAY-shuns)— please go to this page or go to GoYachats.
If you think baseball is the perfect sport, you’ve got another think coming. But then, we hope you have one anyway. You will learn how the old ball game can be improved by reading the news article below, sent to us by freelance correspondent Satch Wagglesworth from Cannibal Mountain, Oregon.
Baseball Needs Improvement Says Expert
by Satch Wagglesworth
CANNIBAL MOUNTAIN, OREGON — Dzunukwa, General Manager of the Yachats Smelt, has the opportunity to revolutionize the staid old sport of baseball according to Ransom “Curly” Popper, sports engineer and leading expert. A new major league baseball team can enjoy a fresh beginning at rules, customs, traditions—all the stuff currently weighing down the pastime.
“Many changes could help baseball,” opined Curly. “For example, consider the ball. How many other sports feature people kicking or throwing a hard, solid ball at other people? Basketball, football, the other football—they all use hollow balls filled with soft air. There’s no reason baseball can’t do the same. It’s safer and would eliminate all that ridiculous stitching—can you imagine how long it takes for that poor little old lady in Colombia (see Fig. 1) to stitch just one ball? And paid just one centavo per dozen, too.”
Figure 1. The poor little old lady in Colombia.*
When it was pointed out to Curly that no one would want to put that woman out of work, he suggested that she be hired to paint the stitches on the balls and with no pay cut.
Curly continued, “Another problem with baseball is its data. Its numbers are too numerous. It’s well known that most people have an adverse reaction to numbers. People would rather wade through a swamp filled with allidiles or crocogators (see Fig. 2) than balance their checkbook.”
Figure 2. Swamp filled with crocogators.
He has a point there. My own checkbook has been badly tilted and out of kilter for years. But I got a dispensation regarding the wading thing.
Curly continued again, “The number of baseball numbers can be greatly reduced. Down to five, I figure—strikes, balls, outs, innings, and score. The bases can be given names, such as Fred, Jane, and Other. In fact, they should be labeled for those players who can’t remember names.”
No doubt, this simplification will greatly enhance the appeal of baseball to the general public, especially those who were able to get a dispensation. Curly was asked whether he has any suggestions that would have special appeal to Dzunukwa.
“Oh, you bet!” he replied, vigorously. “Ever since the first bearded guy walked out on the diamond, the sport’s supernatural dependencies have been superstition and religion. Mostly superstition (see Fig. 3). But we all know superstition doesn’t work and religion is still a matter for debate.”
Figure 3. Mark Twain explaining superstition.**
You can tell that Curly has done some deep thinking about baseball.
“On the other hand, magic has been banned from baseball all these years. This is bigotry, sure as shootin’. It’s time the magic ban was lifted from the grand old game. How many great witches and warlocks and wizards should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame but were never given a chance? Dzunukwa, being a full-blooded Sasquatch witch, should be strongly motivated to bring an end to this injustice.”
Baseball might be entering a whole new era.
* From the children’s story book, La Pobre Viejecita by Rafael Pombo, illustrated by Lorenzo Jaramillo, 1901.
** From Life magazine, March 22, 1883.
Next time: The Smelt staff is still busy preparing for entry into the big leagues. Therefore, each Monday the Rubbery Shrubbery blog will have brief news reports on the progress of the Smelt organization. Also, we will have a guest blogger from time to time. Thanks for reading this stuff.
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Have a 10 second clock on the pitcher…Make the batter stay in the batters box once he enters….elect Gil Hodges to the HOF…hire cheerleaders, the Dallas Cowgirls could work all year round.
All excellent ideas, Steve. The Dallas Cowgirls aren’t acceptable as cheerleaders, though. We are trying to hire local folks only. I suggest the Smelt hire some of the peppier ladies at the nursing home just down the road from Rubbery Shrubbery Stadium. (In fact, one of those ladies was the model for the drawing in Figure 1 in this post, I believe.) Think what a boost it will be to their spirits if we can make them understand they’ve been chosen to be Smelt cheerleaders. Besides, they’re a lot cheaper than the Dallas Cowgirls.